Confessions of a Lip Biter
a Reverse-Dorothy complex; voracious appetite for witty vernacular; and an affinity for Scotch. Email me at misssilk3@gmail.com
![Some Shameful Facts About My Man In Black:
—I first discovered Johnny Walker Black Label when I was living with a rich family from Mexico City. I was down on my luck and they “saved” me by giving me a place to stay and, in exchange, I was their live-in cook/maid[slave]. I worked 12 hours a day, 6 days a week; I was given one hour—on Saturday at 2 pm sharp—of phone privileges during that week; and I was constantly in trouble for “disrupting the Feng-Shui” somehow and punished. Instead of my day’s work being over when the cooking was done and daily chores completed (daily chores included vacuuming then MOPPING the carpet, etc.), I was given random tasks such as scrubbing the outer walls of the house with a broom dipped in a bucket of soap water or scraping the piling off the dog blankets with an open pair of scissors. I was lining all of the cupboards and drawers with styrofoam (not kidding) when I discovered the beautiful amber bottle behind a stack of towels in the hall pantry. Since the family barely spoke English and I knew maybe five phrases and one song in Spanish, Johnny quickly became my dearest and only friend.
—My first love was named J. Walker. He came from a long line of J. Walkers. I swear its not why I loved him.
…..it didn’t hurt my affections, though.
—I drank an entire bottle the first time J. Walker broke my heart. And the second. And the third…
—I once looked through a bottle of JWBL. Everything was bigger and more beautiful.
—On one of my jobs, I would end my shifts by clocking out, going into the bathroom, and taking three gulps—just so I could smile and convince my parents I was coping.
—Sometimes when I get a new bottle, I close my eyes and merely take in its aroma. Its more soothing than a cigarette. Which worries me. Hence I only buy a bottle once every couple of months or so (I don’t need to be more than a casual alcoholic)
—When I drink it out of a teacup, I forget its liquor.
—I sorta judge a guy’s date-ability by his reaction when he offers to by me a drink and I say without hesitation or blinking, “Johnny on the Rocks; Black Label.”
—I call it my “Man in Black”. Which could be a charming tribute to my favorite country singer….or an alarming affectation.
—I’m going to put some in my morning coffee tomorrow.
….don’t judge me.](http://28.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_ly6kx9RTfc1qzvt2io1_400.jpg)
Some Shameful Facts About My Man In Black:
—I first discovered Johnny Walker Black Label when I was living with a rich family from Mexico City. I was down on my luck and they “saved” me by giving me a place to stay and, in exchange, I was their live-in cook/maid[slave]. I worked 12 hours a day, 6 days a week; I was given one hour—on Saturday at 2 pm sharp—of phone privileges during that week; and I was constantly in trouble for “disrupting the Feng-Shui” somehow and punished. Instead of my day’s work being over when the cooking was done and daily chores completed (daily chores included vacuuming then MOPPING the carpet, etc.), I was given random tasks such as scrubbing the outer walls of the house with a broom dipped in a bucket of soap water or scraping the piling off the dog blankets with an open pair of scissors. I was lining all of the cupboards and drawers with styrofoam (not kidding) when I discovered the beautiful amber bottle behind a stack of towels in the hall pantry. Since the family barely spoke English and I knew maybe five phrases and one song in Spanish, Johnny quickly became my dearest and only friend.
—My first love was named J. Walker. He came from a long line of J. Walkers. I swear its not why I loved him.
…..it didn’t hurt my affections, though.
—I drank an entire bottle the first time J. Walker broke my heart. And the second. And the third…
—I once looked through a bottle of JWBL. Everything was bigger and more beautiful.
—On one of my jobs, I would end my shifts by clocking out, going into the bathroom, and taking three gulps—just so I could smile and convince my parents I was coping.
—Sometimes when I get a new bottle, I close my eyes and merely take in its aroma. Its more soothing than a cigarette. Which worries me. Hence I only buy a bottle once every couple of months or so (I don’t need to be more than a casual alcoholic)
—When I drink it out of a teacup, I forget its liquor.
—I sorta judge a guy’s date-ability by his reaction when he offers to by me a drink and I say without hesitation or blinking, “Johnny on the Rocks; Black Label.”
—I call it my “Man in Black”. Which could be a charming tribute to my favorite country singer….or an alarming affectation.
—I’m going to put some in my morning coffee tomorrow.
….don’t judge me.
